Fear of God | Rossian

Saturday, September 11, 1920
Immediately Following This
♫

The first two weeks of term had flown by in a whirlwind of small catastrophes, late-night meetings and ensuring her children survived the castle in one piece. With the magic being what it was and all the work that was going into restoring the wards and other bits and bobs that Nicholas had so generously left for them to manage, sleep had been sorely lacking.

Julia was exhausted. The past two years of her life had been one enormous event after another, and the woman was feeling every one of her thirty-four years. The past six months alone had changed her life in more ways than she could have ever prepared for, and while she was thankful for the two children that had walked into her life, a nice weekend vacation out in the Cotswalds was exactly what she needed. Just the hills, a picnic blanket, a cup of tea and watching the sheep herds move across the fields below.

She felt a smirk cross her lips as the black cat that frequented her office slept soundly on her desk, completely unbothered by all her shuffling of papers and books. Since her divorce - aside from Kate constantly trying to chase him out - Maddox had seemingly felt much more welcome to what he considered his rightful place in her office.

Her door was open as usual, and when Rosalie's timid voice called for her, both she and the cat looked up at the same time. There was her little cousin, once again hand-in-hand with Cassian, looking like the world was about to crumble down around them.

She couldn't imagine what on Earth they were here to talk about this time. James had all but assured Rosalie she wouldn't be pulled out of school, and it was fairly obvious no matter what Julia said or how she tried to gently reason with them, they were hellbent on dating and driving themselves directly into the viper's nest without an antidote.

A slight flick of her wand, and the door closed behind them.

"What's wrong?"

The walk back up to the castle was a silent one.

There was no strategizing, no words of comfort or consolation. No talk of what they would do if this chat with Julia didn't go well. Just the sounds of their shoes on the stone steps, Rosalie's face blank and devoid of anything except grief.

Grief for what her life had been. Grief for what her relationship had been. Grief in knowing what was to come. Grief for a loss she wasn't prepared for.

Even with her fingers curled between Cassian's, Rosalie felt the distance between them. They were both terrified, their heads probably in completely different places at the moment as they tried to make sense of what was happening. It was obvious by the way Cassian had stiffened at the mention of Julia he wasn't actually onboard with this at all, but Rosie didn't see any other way.

If she was pregnant, Julia would have to be the first of her family to know. She'd be the buffer - as much as she was able anyway - that would take the news to James, who would then inform her parents. And...if there was a way to not be pregnant, then Julia was the only one Rosalie felt safe enough turning to.

Despite everything that had happened in the last year, Julia was still the only member of her family - besides her granddad - that had ever showed actual care towards her.

As they entered the library, Rosalie was taken back to last September - almost exactly a year ago, when she and Cassian had pleaded with Julia not to tell her family about them, or at least to give them more time. The dismissal of their feelings and love had broken her heart and set off the entire plot that would end with Cassian bleeding out on a dock and Rosalie having nearly been abducted and assaulted.

They weren't good memories.

"Julia?" Her voice shook as she called for her cousin, making her way timidly towards her office door. She gave Cassian one last look, to steel her nerves, or comfort her or...something. She didn't really know.

"What's wrong?"

Her mouth went dry as she stood in front of Julia and her cat, who looked at them just as expectantly. She tried to get the words out, but when she did, all that came out was a soft sob. One she'd been holding since Cassian's initial reaction.

The walk transported the boy back to the previous September.

It had been every bit as tense, every bit as nerve-racking. Last time, it had been his idea to speak with Julia. When Rosie had explained the woman's desire to out them to his girlfriend's parents, the boy had been filled with a wild, nonsensical courage and the naive belief that wanting something was enough to let you have it. He'd truly thought that if they were sincere enough--if the woman could just see how in love they were--she would reconsider. At the very least, maybe she'd give them some time.

He couldn't have been any more incorrect if he'd predicted she would book them an all-expense paid early honeymoon to Bora Bora. Miss Laurence had been so resolute in what she thought she had to do and entirely dismissive of anything else. The woman didn't think what they had would be enough to put a stop to the plans their family clearly had in the making.

The two had certainly made a point against that when they'd run, even if they were caught in the end. Cassian liked to think it forced all adults involved to realise this was more than puppy-love that would fizzle before they took their final walk out of the great hall at their graduation. Rosie meant the world to him, and the boy hadn't appreciated having such feelings belittled.

Suffice it to say, he didn't want to be standing in the office of the same woman a year later, once again grovelling and at her mercy. While Cassian was never disrespectful toward Miss Laurence and had remained helpful and earnest when he used the library, there was now a polite distance that he maintained. There was a time when he'd believed Rosie. She'd said Julia was a good one, who cared and who she could always count on. Those weren't feelings he held toward the woman.

Not anymore.

"Julia?"

"What's wrong?"

The sob brought him back to the present. It forced him into the sort of mindfulness he'd neglected to exercise on the whole walk up, leaving Rosie to her own spiralling thoughts. Cassian squeezed her hand, wanting to remind her that he was there and would remain there. The entire situation was fucked all the way around. There wasn't much he could do now, but he could make sure the girl didn't feel like she'd walked into the office alone.

He'd let her lead, choosing when she wanted to share the news. For his part, he really had nothing to say to the librarian and wouldn't be rushing his girlfriend along.

The boy...also...wasn't in any rush to have it brought up again. Merlin knew he was still trying to process the first telling without falling apart and could do without that horrid lurching feeling inside his stomach at hearing those words again. Cassian Thomas could definitely wait.

Any sort of exasperation that Julia had felt watching the two wander into her office, immediately dissipated with Rosalie’s sob. Alarm immediately took over, and Julia stood from her desk to hurry to her cousin’s side. It had been an incredibly long road she and Rosie had journeyed, and while she had plenty of feelings - regrets even - about how things had drastically changed in their relationship, she loved the girl and cared about what happened to her.

It was why - even though she understood that Rosalie and Cassian were in love - she tried so hard to get through to them and help them understand what was at stake here. It wasn’t out of cruelty or some elitist viewpoint, though she knew that’s how they saw it, and could understand why. It was to keep them safe - both of them - and spare them the pain that had defined her entire adult life.

“Rosie,” she said softly, her expression softening immediately as she placed a hand on the girl’s shoulder, trying to get her to talk. She looked briefly at Cassian for any sort of explanation, but the boy seemed hellbent on silence as well.

Wonderful.

“Sit down, both of you,” she said, urging them to the small sofa by her desk, giving the cat a withering look. She leaned against her desk, her hands gripping the edge of it. “Come on, out with it. It can’t be that bad.”

She honestly didn’t think she could take much more of this drama. The two had cultivated enough in the last year to fuel Cassian’s plays for decades to come.

She hadn’t meant to cry.

Rosalie was of the mind these days that strong girls didn’t cry. That after everything she had been through, she should have tougher skin by now. That the softness that had always been innate to her was her weakness and what had seen her controlled time and time again.

She’d built herself up, in some ways over the summer. Pushing back against her father’s demands had been the biggest and most significant. She had relished the feeling, finally sensing that backbone she’d always wanted finally taking form.

This had broken all of it down, and here she was. A scared kid crying in front of the cousin she didn’t trust, but had no other place to turn.

Cassian wasn’t speaking up for her. For whatever reason he had, he was remaining silent, only offering her a squeeze of his hand - for reassurance she assumed. It did nothing to comfort her or give her the courage she needed in this moment. Instead it just made her feel more lost, more alone, more fragile.

This was stupid.

She sat at Julia’s instruction, wiping furiously at her eyes with the back of her hand. If she had to do this, then she’d just do it quickly. “I’m pregnant.” Her blue eyes held Julia’s, waiting for a reaction, but then she quickly pivoted, her voice strained and hoarse against the lump that had swollen in her throat.

“I know I can’t be, and what it would mean. So,” another soft sob shook her shoulders as she forced herself to be brave and keep her eyes on Julia’s. If she had gotten this far, making adult decisions, then she could face her cousin like one.

She felt her hand in Cassian’s go numb with the surge of adrenaline that coursed through her, waiting for her cousin’s guillotine to come down on both of them.

“Sit down, both of you.”

Circe, this really was like the meeting from last year. Miss Laurence had invited them to sit back then, too, and he hadn't, not until Rosie had pulled him down and tried getting him to calm down. It was a trap, just like this was a trap now. The boy was, in fact, not calm. He wanted to be, really. But, he couldn't. The small voice of his inner critic wasted no time in pointing out how much he was already failing to live up to the image of a man like he knew he was meant to.

He should be taking charge, shouldn't he? He should be boldly telling Julia what this all was and what they planned to do. This was his responsibility and his problem to fix.

He knew all that.

Cass just...needed a moment. The news was still fresh. His mind hadn't stopped spinning from the time Rosie had first shared the news. The nausea hadn't disappeared; it had only subsided. How did he save this--all of this--while he could feel himself falling apart at the seams on the inside? He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what Rosie needed for him to fix this or how she wanted things handled, other than that she wanted to tell the cousin who sent them on the run in the first place.

“I’m pregnant.”

As it turned out, the boy didn't like hearing it any more the second time. It was decidedly worse. His stomach began churning again, twisting into tight and uncomfortable knots from earlier. If the boy looked pale, it was because all the colour had escaped his face. It was evident he was trying to keep it together, and he'd kept holding onto Rosie's hand when she sat, but there was a distant look in his eyes, one that said he was already plotting several steps into their future--didn't like what he saw and was bracing to accept it anyway.

“I know I can’t be, and what it would mean. So...”

So?

So what?

His gaze fell to Rosie, realising without needing further explanation what she meant. He needed to sit down. Cassian flopped helplessly onto the couch next to her, defeated and uncertain.

This...really did suck. No matter the choice they made, and he knew...it was probably the right choice, but...

Cassian's hand fell away from Rosie's as he slumped down against the back couch. His hands clasped over his face, covering his mouth and nose as they converged. He supposed he was waiting for the guillotine, too, while the rest of him remained back out on the boat still trying to process the first part of this dilemma.

Apparently Cassian was going to stand in some sort of defiance. Very well. Julia didn't recognize when a simple offer to sit had become such a threat, but she supposed the boy was entitled to the way he felt after the conversation that had taken place in here last year. Either way, Rosalie was sitting, her face turning an alarming shade of gray with every moment that passed.

“I’m pregnant.”

Sorry?

Julia's face of concern immediately fell into that of complete unamusement and exasperation. Next to her, Maddox made some sort of choking cat sound and fell completely off the desk, sending her cup of quills flying and scattering all over her desk in a clatter. She sighed heavily, her eyes lolling down to the feline. "You're quite finished?" she asked him, and then dropped her forehead into her hand with a slight groan.

These two, honestly. Did they have nothing better to do? Not enough studying? Not enough extra-curriculars? Not enough library shifts? Not enough adults in their life trying to make it clear that this wasn't a good idea?

“I know I can’t be, and what it would mean. So...”

"Rosalie, you're not pregnant." Her words came sharply and full of exasperation, dropping her hand from her forehead and clenching her jaw as she stared at the two idiot children on her couch. They were unbelievable, really. It wasn't enough that Rosalie's hair-brained scheme to run off had nearly gotten Cassian not only killed, but thrown in Azkaban.

Why couldn't she just leave the poor boy alone?

She sighed, a long-suffering exhale as she pushed herself up from the desk and shook her head, now pounding from the stupidity that had disrupted her evening. She bent over to retrieve the cat, giving him a little scratch on the head. "Can you believe this shit?" she muttered under her breath, before setting him gently back on the desk.

She turned back to the two. "It's not possible. You have a charm on you that prevents it completely. Benji has it too, Merlin help us." Her gaze flicked back and forth between Cassian and Rosie. "Did you really think with all the warnings I've given you two that that was a possibility I was going to entertain?"

She hardly registered Cassian slumping into the seat next to her, or when he dropped her hand. She stared blankly ahead, feeling her entire body following the numbness that started in her hand. This was it. There was no going back now. She'd said it. Their life - hers and Cassian's together - if Julia couldn't fix it, was over. She knew what would happen. Her parents would lock her and her baby away on the estate forever. She'd never see him again. If she wanted her baby to have any sort of life, she'd have to somehow get him or her to Cassian and -

"Rosalie, you're not pregnant."

...What?

She turned to look at Cassian, her eyebrows coming together to display the confusion that immediately sent her head swirling. How - how did Julia know? They hadn't tested her or seen a healer, and she had all the symptoms that she'd heard about. Her cousin sounded so sure, looked...exasperated even. Not at all horrified or concerned as she thought she would.

She wasn't pregnant?

"It's not possible. You have a charm on you that prevents it completely. Benji has it too, Merlin help us."

Rosalie blinked, turning her gaze back to Julia as her lips parted to ask, but found herself in a complete stupor and lost for words. A charm? Julia had charmed her? Without her knowing? For the briefest moment, Rosie felt a surge of anger flush through her, before she had a moment to process what this actually meant. It meant...their life wasn't over.

But how? When? Why didn't she feel it?

"Did you really think with all the warnings I've given you two that that was a possibility I was going to entertain?"

Well, Rosalie hadn't thought about that angle, or any of Julia's thought-processes or what she would do. If she were being honest, she didn't even know a charm like that was a thing. And while she would have liked to have known about it - she had to silently admit that what Julia had done was...probably save her multiple times over.

A sharp exhale exited her lips as her eyes widened and she turned back to Cassian. "I'm sorry," she breathed, feeling the emotions overwhelming her. "I didn't know, I thought...I didn't..." She didn't cry. Instead she dropped her face into his neck, curling herself around him, right there on the couch in front of Julia and her amused cat.

"I'm sorry."

If Cassian had been paying attention, he might have noticed the exasperation clearly set on the librarian's face. It was uncertain how he'd have read such an expression, but there was a chance it could've distracted him from the spiral he still hadn't been able to pull up from. Cass didn't register the falling cat--had no hope of even processing it as the professor mocking their situation. No, the Ravenclaw was far away, his mind on the train they'd need to catch, the seedy motel they might be able to rent, and biscuits-dinners until their insides turned to dough.

Where did he get baby things? Clothes? A basket? How much would those things run them? They'd both done well on their OWLs...but they weren't NEWTs. They'd have to go entry-level and work their way up. What sorts of jobs were entry-level anyway? Would they need parental consent? It'd be a whole year before they were of age.

Much like the previous year's escape, Cassian was once again reminded of just how much he didn't know about the real world. But...he'd have to know, wouldn't he? This was his responsibility now. Shit, Rosie wouldn't be able to work. Two jobs? He could probably manage that? He was a hard worker, after all. Given a real purpose to work, he supposed he'd work himself into the ground if he had t--

"Rosalie, you're not pregnant."

Cassian blinked back to reality and the office. Not? As in...negative? As in...he wasn't about to go find a steel mill somewhere off in the country, night and day in boiling conditions, having some burly man yelling orders at him and telling him to pick up his pace? The boy's eyes widened with a desperate hope, clinging to every word that fell from the woman's mouth.

"It's not possible."

PROMISE???

"Did you really think with all the warnings I've given you two that that was a possibility I was going to entertain?"

Wait wait wait...

Julia...they...

HUH?

Cass blinked a few more times, his brain lagging behind in the conversation. Baby, no baby? Something about Benji and a spell...Miss Laurence had...cast? His head hurt. Suddenly, the boy was overcome by an overwhelming need to lie down, maybe for the rest of the day, in a quiet, empty room where he could finally allow himself to breathe.

Against all odds, he managed to hear Rosie's apology, but even that had taken its time to process, and by then his girlfriend was already nuzzled into his neck. His arm automatically reached up to wrap around her, his fingers tangling in her hair while he tried to coax some feeling back into his extremities. Merlin. Shit. His head was spinning so rapidly it made the room spin, too.

His life was upside down. Nothing made sense anymore, and all the pent-up adrenaline was finally being released in shaky breaths and shaky limbs.

Brown eyes shot to the woman who looked like she'd already had enough. She could be as fed up as she wanted to be. This was important. "And...and...you're sure?"

She was sure. More than sure, but Cassian needed the verification.

Simple enough.

Without a word, Julia muttered a quiet spell, hovering her wand over the girl. The sound of Rosalie's heartbeat amplified through the room, thundering and erratic. "One heartbeat. Not two." She tucked her wand back into her pocket after giving it a quick flick, and looked the two of them over with a slight shake of her head. "What am I going to do with you two?" she asked, more to herself than them.

She didn't know what all it would take for them to finally understand how dire their situation was. Julia hadn't told Rosie, but the girl's refusal this summer to do as her father had commanded had taken things for a very grave turn. Perhaps her younger cousin thought that she'd been victorious and gotten one over on the man for once.

She couldn't be more wrong.

Following the girl's refusal, Leo, as he did whenever he perceived a wronging, turned cold and quiet. For a man that was calm and soft-spoken, even seemingly gentle to those that didn't know him, it wouldn't appear that much in his demeanor had changed. Julia had grown up with him, and knew her cousin very, very well. Leo was his mother's son, as was Arthur. Neither of the boys had taken after their rather jovial and easy-going father. Where Arthur was brash and direct in his actions, Leo was calculated and devious, both taking on their mother's traits in different ways.

Leo had decided, shortly thereafter, that Rosalie was irredeemable in her usefulness to the family, and would have to be taken care of in the way that women always were when they became too much too handle. Already, he was speaking to various families about an arrangement for her - as soon as possible. If Cassian was still in the way when all of this came to pass, they'd take care of him. As they took care of countless others.

What was a halfblood boy with no important name to them?

James wasn't of the same mind - not yet anyway. He was still adamant that Rosalie attend university and see what could come of it. How she could help the family in the future with any connections or positions she would later hold. Marriage was a one-time benefit in his eyes, and while he held sway over Leo, at the end of the day, if Leo wanted it enough, it would happen.

She hesitated for a moment, before casting her gaze back down at Maddox. "Give us a few moments, will you darling?" she asked the cat, who lazily stretched, hopped back down to the floor with a soft thud and made his way out, seemingly unbothered to not be part of wherever this was going.

When Julia had locked the door again, she turned back to the both of them. "What I'm going to say next, is not an invitation for you to be putting yourselves in a dire situation again." She bit the inside of her cheek, her own heart now starting to pick up the pace at having to recall what she was about to. It wasn't something she had ever discussed with anyone outside of her brother and had never planned to, but it was important.

She didn't want Cassian to suffer the same fate.

Her heart was still thundering in her chest, even as his fingers raked through her hair. She could vaguely hear Cassian and Julia exchanging words, her sense of sound completely muddled with the relief that had washed over her. She just needed a minute. She just needed to ground herself again. She needed to lose herself in the feeling of his arm around her and the scent of cinnamon in her nose.

The girl didn't notice the difference between the sound of her pulse pounding in her head and when it was amplified throughout the room. She clung to the boy, her head swirling with racing thoughts, unable to catch a single one to try and calm it.

When she heard the office door open and close again, she finally pulled herself away from Cassian, running her hands along her face and then back through her hair. This was fine. It was just a mistake. She'd misread her symptoms somehow and jumped to conclusions. Julia already knew what they had been doing after finding her notebook last term, so it wasn't some big reveal that two had been sleeping together.

"Okay well, maybe you could teach me - "

She was trying to ask if Julia would show her how the charm worked so she could be responsible for it herself. While she was grateful that her cousin had taken the initiative, she didn't like the idea of being charmed without her knowledge. Having the surveillance charm forced upon her was enough. She could handle her own anti-baby charm.

"What I'm going to say next, is not an invitation for you to be putting yourselves in a dire situation again."

Her stomach dropped. Blue eyes found Julia's honey-brown, a silent plea behind them for her not to say anything that would have Cassian panicking again. As level-headed as her boyfriend could be, he also spiraled quickly when he thought someone or something was coming between them or trying to take her from him. It was a pattern she'd caught onto quickly, as possessive as the boy tried not to appear, he was, and she was tired of him putting himself in harm's way for her.

She hadn't the first clue what her cousin wanted to say, but she knew she didn't want to hear it. She just wanted to...leave and regroup with Cassian. Make sure they were okay and maybe go lay in the gardens together for awhile. Get a nice nap in the early evening air before dinner and let their hearts return to a normal cadence.

"Julia," Rosie said softly and shook her head, "Please don't."

"One heartbeat. Not two."

"One heartbeat. Not two."

"One heartbeat. Not two."

One...heartbeat...not two. Cassian forced the words to cycle through his mind over and over, wanting to make sure he really understood them. Now that he was starting to come down from the sharp panic that had risen inside him, reason was beginning to return. Miss Laurence wouldn't be nearly so calm if she believed there was even remotely a chance Rosie could be pregnant. She had no reason to lie or trick him into thinking things were one way if they were another...right?

Nothing to gain from insisting Rosie wasn't pregnant if she was? No matter the angle he took it from, nothing would've made sense. That led him to believe that he could trust his ears and the exasperation of the librarian.

This...this was fine.

But then...if that were true, why was everything still so tense? Cassian expected the thickness inside the room to dissipate now that they'd cleared the air and realised Rosie had only been reading into things. He figured they'd get up and go find a quiet place to properly unwind, laugh about it a little, and undo the final tendrils of adrenaline that had wrapped so tightly around them.

Instead...the cat was being asked to leave? Never mind that she'd asked, it actually excused itself. If it weren't obvious that Julia was about to drop something else--something arguably heavier, considering even the pet cat wasn't allowed to hear--Cass might have allowed himself a curious moment to question it.

"What I'm going to say next, is not an invitation for you to be putting yourselves in a dire situation again."

Sounded like an invitation to run again, but...go on.

"Julia. Please don't."

"What?" Cassian asked, his gaze moving between the pair. The boy couldn't shake the feeling that he was missing something, something big. The nerves that had begun to calm started to rise again. The hand wrapped around Rosie tightened, his brows furrowing inward.

"What?" He repeated. "Tell me." Before he went certifiably mad.

"Julia. Please don't."

For the first time, Julia dropped her gaze from the two, landing squarely at her tightly clasped hands in front of her. She didn't want to. It wasn't a story she had ever planned to share with anyone. It was too shameful, too horrific, too heartbreaking. And reliving it all by telling it, only made it feel that much more real, and not the fever dream she had tried for years to associate it as.

It had only been last year in November when Julia had been made aware of the full extent of her own story. For seventeen years she had thought that her brothers had merely succeeded in scaring off the boy that at the time she'd thought had been the love of her life. That they'd done enough to keep him silent and distant, never willing to reach out to her or try to find her again.

When James had finally told her the truth, it had torn open a wound she'd done everything she could to cauterize and minimize the scarring.

"What? Tell me."

She stood from her desk and crossed in front of them to take a seat in her armchair, leaning forward with her elbows on her lap. "Everything I've done has been to try and save you both the heartache I went through." A small exhale of air and she continued. "When I was in my sixth year at Beauxbatons I met a boy named Ezra. He was muggleborn and we dated secretly until graduation." She kept her voice calm and even, not willing to fall to the emotions welling in her chest at the memory of him, his smile, dimpled and cheeky, and the way he could always make her laugh. The fourth boy from a family of six, based out of Normandie. Middle class, nothing extraordinary or prestigious.

"We had plans to run off together after graduation, and when my father found out, he sent my brothers down to France to 'reason' with us." She remembered vividly the day she and Ezra had been off-grounds of Beauxbatons, hiking the surrounding mountains and discussing their plans for the future. "They cornered us on a hiking trail and portkeyed us back to the estate, before taking both of us to what the family calls the clearing." A wide open space surrounded by deep dark forest. Warded from muggles and wizards alike.

Not wanting to linger on the details, Julia hurried through the next part. "They tortured him for two hours in front of me, until I agreed to break things off. They were supposed to let him go. Take him back to his family in Normandie, which I thought they had." She shook her head slightly. "They killed him. Even after I agreed." Tears welled in the woman's eyes, but she held them back, turning her gaze firmly on the two sitting in front of her.

"If you think that this family won't do the same to you, you're gravely mistaken, and it will cost you everything." This was her Hail Mary. Her last attempt to try and save them from themselves. To save Cassian from the inevitable. To save Rosalie from having to carry the burden of his death on her heart for the rest of her days.

It was why Julia had never entertained serious relationships again, until her short-lived marriage, and why she likely wouldn't again. Ezra had been the one she loved, the one she had been willing to follow anywhere, and she'd gotten him killed for it.

She waited a moment, before speaking again. "I know you love each other. I've been where you are now. And I am telling you both, that this is a battle you cannot win." She needed them to understand this, even if they hated her for it.

She'd accept their resentment and anger and bear it on her shoulders, if it meant both of them were alive.

She felt Cassian's arm tighten around her, her hand falling on his, trying to ground herself. It felt like the world was pendulum swinging back and forth. Pregnant, not pregnant...and now Julia felt it was show-and-tell time for something that was obviously terrifying by the look in her eyes. Rosalie felt the dread pooling in her chest, terrified that whatever Julia was about to say might cause something to shift between her and her boyfriend, but she hadn't been prepared for what actually came.

A boy. Muggleborn. Rosie vaguely remembered whispers between her granny, mother and aunt about the scandal Julia had subjected to the family to when she was a girl, but she had never known the details. It was...almost unfathomable to think that Julia had had a relationship like that. She was so traditional, so staunchly ingrained in the family and upholding them and their values. She wasn't a bad person, but she wasn't the type to go against the family in any sort of way.

"We had plans to run off together after graduation, and when my father found out, he sent my brothers down to France to 'reason' with us."

Rosalie swallowed hard, her hand tightening around Cassian's, suddenly understanding where she thought this was going. As Julia continued, her fears were confirmed - it was what she had always suspected would happen eventually. They'd catch them and the first chance they had they'd hurt Cassian. They'd beat him, hex him, whatever they had to do to get the point across. Julia had been forced to break up with him and...

"They killed him. Even after I agreed."

It was like the entire room rushed at her at once. Tunnel-vision took over, her eyes unmoving from Julia, her mouth falling open slightly, struggling for any air she could capture. They killed him. They killed him. Julia had agreed to let him go, and they still...

It was too awful. Seeing the tears in her cousin's eyes caused her own to well. Grief for Julia and the boy she had loved, but terror for Cassian and what being with her meant. It was a whole new level of intensity and foreboding that she had never really thought would be a reality for them. But it had happened before, to the woman sitting in front of her. They had taken the person she loved from her.

That poor boy. He must have been so scared in his last moments, and for what? For loving someone?

"If you think that this family won't do the same to you, you're gravely mistaken, and it will cost you everything."

She didn't know what to say, or what to do. It all seemed so...hopeless, didn't it? Her father and uncle would do it. She knew they would, now that Julia had breathed life into the possibility.

Why? Why did it have to be like this? Why couldn't she just be happy and be with the one she loved? Why couldn't they just leave them alone? It felt so hopeless.

She turned slightly, hesitating but eventually met Cassian's eyes with her own. She didn't know what to do. "Cassian," she said weakly, before her face crumpled into tears.

He'd heard enough.

Cassian didn't know what to expect when Julia began, except that it would be bad. It always was when it came to that woman. She'd never had a kind thing to say about what he and Rosie had, always dismissing it as nothing more than puppy love that would fizzle with enough time and pressure. Even after they'd proven themselves, even after he'd take a knife to the side for the girl nuzzled into his neck, they were still seen as nothing more than silly children with their heads in the clouds, blissfully ignoring reality.

The Ravenclaw braced himself for such a talk. He was so used to being put down and not taken seriously despite the depth of what he felt.

He wasn't expecting...all this...

It was hard to say where Julia had been going when she spoke about her own past at Beauxbatons, but it didn't take long for the boy to catch on. Cassian could see parallels being drawn, vivid images being painted in the sky. Rosie was Julia, young, naive, and in love. For him, that left the role of ...Ezra, a boy who'd remained a boy forever. Killed? Dead? No longer walking the earth? Rosie had always said her family did terrible things. Two summers ago, when they'd been at the conservatorium together under the stars, she'd shared what she felt comfortable with about the Laurences. He remembered the relief that had swept across her features when, after she was done, he'd made it clear it wasn't enough to scare him off.

Death, though? Julia didn't mince words in making it clear they would do he same to him. Dead? For loving a girl who loved him, too?

The boy was pale as a sheet.

Truly, he'd heard enough. He didn't want to be preached to; he didn't want to sit in a room of tears between Miss Laurence and Rosie. He didn't want to be in his own skin.

"Cassian."

The quiver of her voice threatened to break him, but if there was one thing Cassian McCormick was good at, it was staying in character. Where Rosie crumpled inward, Cassian spread outward. The boy sprang to his feet with a cavalier stretching of his muscles.

"Brilliant story, Miss Laurence. I could feel the emotion with each line. You've got a future on the stage if this library-dark arts business doesn't work out." He reached down and tugged Rosie from the couch, pulling her flush against him while he wiped at the tears that had already fallen. Despite his pallor, Cassian wore his signature boyish grin. "Ready to go, gorgeous?" He let her go, wrapping an arm around her waist instead. "Reckon this office is getting a little stuffy, and it'll be dinner soon, anyway."

If Cass had heard anything the woman had said, only his loss of complexion indicated as much. He was a performer on the stage with a visage that wouldn't crack. He was a boy undeterred and unbothered, ready to stuff himself full of mashed potatoes and stew despite the way his appetite was now on the floor.

"Don't forget I'm switching shifts with Ruth tomorrow," he said to the woman, his voice steady and amicable as he'd learned to make it for roles despite whatever nerves might accompany him onto the stage. "But don't hesitate to send for me if she doesn't show up. We all know how she is with anything too early."

He squeezed at the place his hand rested on Rosie's hip, hoping to steady her long enough to get them out of the office with walls that had begun to close in.

"Remind me to tell you what Freddie's latest letter said when we get to the great hall, yeah?"

This was fine.

He was fine.

They were leaving.

There was something about splitting herself wide open, that made Julia feel like a child all over again. In her effort to save the two from the pain she knew was coming for them, Julia had made herself vulnerable in a way she rarely did. The woman was a master at portraying only what she wanted to, time and experience stripping away the subtleties that would betray her true feelings.

But it was in moments like these, when she had to recall the trauma, the screaming, the pleading, the silence that went on between her and her brother for three years, that all pretense fell away. Calm, reserved. She could still be those things.

But eyes never lied.

Rosie broke first, and Julia wanted to go to her. To take her into her arms and apologize for the cruelty and unfairness of it all. She wanted to tell her younger cousin that she understood…but as Rosie’s tears began to fall, Cassian was already rising from the sofa.

“Cassian, let her -“

"Brilliant story, Miss Laurence. I could feel the emotion with each line. You've got a future on the stage if this library-dark arts business doesn't work out."

The woman’s face remained unmoving as she watched the boy gather up his girlfriend, wiping her tears casually as though Julia had just told him she’d had a salad for lunch. Despite the way his face drained of color, his words were cavalier, indicated he had no intention of heeding her warning.

Her final play had fallen on the deaf ears of a boy who wouldn’t listen if his hearing was supersonic. Her last hope was Rosie, who would understand the seriousness of this, who did know, on some level, their family was capable of this. Julia didn’t want to see them hurt, but if Cassian wouldn’t listen, then all of her concern now needed to be focused on Rosalie, and what came next.

Something about shifts, and casual talk about dinner. Julia stood from her armchair, giving a quick flick to the door. She wouldn’t keep them. They’d proven they couldn’t be held anyway. “Rosalie,” Julia said finally, as Cassian pulled her towards the doorway.

“Think about it.”

But Julia knew it was a lost cause.

They’d dug their own grave.

All the air was sucked out of the room. She couldn’t breathe, her lungs were burning in revolt, her chest seizing as everything around her dulled into a light buzz. Her face tingled with the sensation of a thousand needles pricking her skin, and she just needed someone to wake her up from this nightmare.

She’d thought she was expecting, and had felt the slightest cooling relief for a moment.

This was so much worse.

She’d barely had a moment to say his name, before Cassian was pulling her from the sofa and against him, his hand brushing away her tears as though it were the easiest thing. If she wasn’t deep in the throes of panic and absolute terror taking over her, she might have felt confused at how cavalier he was being about the whole thing.

But she wasn’t.

This was Cassian. When he was scared. When he felt inadequate. When he didn’t want to face the things that pulled at the darkness he harbored deep within him. This was his mask. The showman. He’d smile and laugh until the curtain fell.

"Ready to go, gorgeous? Reckon this office is getting a little stuffy, and it'll be dinner soon, anyway."

Why…why did he have to do this? Her eyes searched his, her eyebrows coming together, trying to understand, but he was tugging her towards the door with his hand firmly on her hip. They were leaving? Just like that? Shouldn’t they stay and talk to Julia more? Ask her questions? Rosie didn’t know what questions but…

“Rosalie. Think about it.”

Her eyes held her cousin’s even as she was led out the door, sorrow filling them for the woman who had once been in her place. In a way, Rosie felt she had a new understanding and empathy for her. And while she couldn’t forgive her for what had happened last year, she could maybe come to a place of peace with it, now knowing what she did.

But now there were more important things to contend with. She nodded at Julia slightly, before Cassian pulled her all the way out of the office and quickly through the library out to the corridors. When they were finally free of any eyes, Rosalie pulled decidedly away from him, her eyes flashing with…she didn’t know what.

“Why do you have to do this?!” she cried, taking a step away from him. “Why do I always get left holding the bag? You shut down and put on this face like what she just said doesn’t matter.” She drew in a shaky breath and shook her head. It was too much, all of it, and now it was just one more thing she had to carry alone.

“I’m not going to dinner or anywhere else. I’m sorry I was wrong about being pregnant.” Another few hurried breaths, feeling what she could only assume was a panic attack happening in real time.

“I’m going to bed.” She moved past him to hurry towards the stairs that would lead to the Gryffindor tower. What did it matter anyway? He wouldn’t talk if she asked him to.

When Rosie snatched away from him, it was a hook that sought to anchor him back to the ground despite the way his head spun. It was all he'd been able to do while he could still breathe. Already, he could feel the tightening in his chest. Already, his vision was blurring. Cassian had barely been able to make out the shape of the doorknob when they'd gotten to the outer library doors that led back into the wide corridor. The boy was fighting the shutdown in real time, his body locking down while his mind tried to jump-start it with cables that had been gnawed through.

“Why do you have to do this?!”

He blinked, his brain working overtime to hear her over the cacophonous clanging of his own mortality creeping ever closer with every second that went by. They were going to kill him. He was going to die. They'd hunt him down and take him to some clearing like a rabid dog or a horse who'd broken its leg. Forever 17 if they killed him before his 18th birthday. Would they even wait until he'd graduated?

A clock ticked loudly from somewhere he couldn't see. Loud. Echoing. A tolling bell that welcomed his demise. And then there was Rosie, looking hurt and confused, her voice strained with emotions he was having trouble understanding, while his stomach struggled to keep in its contents.

“Why do I always get left holding the bag? You shut down and put on this face like what she just said doesn’t matter.”

What. Was. She. Saying??

Oh, fuck, he really was spiralling.

The next thing he knew, she was turning away, hurrying by him for the stairs. Dinner. Something about dinner. She wasn't hungry. Had she said that? Fuck, he could die tomorrow. Shit.

Breathe, McCormick. Breathe.

Instinctively, his hand reached out, grabbing her by the arm before she could get far. He tugged her back, not understanding why she was leaving or where she was trying to go. What was it she'd said earlier? Something about it mattering? Him? Did he matter? What mattered? Even after he'd tugged her back, it took the boy an extra few seconds for his mind to catch up to his actions. He...had...something to say. Yes, he thought so.

Cass shook his head, trying to chase away the chaos that made it hard for him to function. "It doesn't matter," he insisted, needing her to hear him. "It shouldn't matter." And he would keep telling himself that, even while his legs turned to Jell-O and the blood continued to drain from his face. The Ravenclaw needed a moment...several moments, but behind the haze and terror was a boy resolute in the promise he'd made.

He'd said forever, and he'd meant it.

Cassian just needed some air.

"Are we still in this or not?" That was what mattered. It mattered a whole lot more than the feelings that swirled inside of him.

“It doesn’t matter.”

The tug on her arm was unexpected, stopping her in her tracks and pulling her back to him when she didn’t want it. She yanked her arm away again, instead crossing it over herself to cling to the other that hung limply at her side. They’d had this conversation - or a similar one - before, earlier this year in the music room. She’d told him she needed more from him, that she could feel him pulling away from her every time he did it. That she wanted to help him carry whatever burdens were put on his shoulders.

And for some reason, he wouldn’t let her. It felt like new rejection every time. Even now, when he put on his mask in Julia’s office and played everything off as though it were a joke, she could feel him beneath it all and didn’t understand why he couldn’t just be honest about how scared he was. Why he always had to leave her out there dangling on the edge, alone with all of her emotions?

"It shouldn't matter."

“Shouldn’t doesn’t negate that it does matter, Cassian! It matters to me! It does matter, it does!” Her voice was frantic, the panic building up faster than she could keep up with it. She’d already nearly lost him once. She could still feel the sharp chill of the night air on her skin. She could still hear herself screaming. She could still see the way his breath hitched, struggling and slowly with every inhale. She could still smell the blood that coated her hands. It mattered.

It fucking mattered.

“Are we still in this or not?”

What?! Was he actually questioning her commitment to him and their relationship? Was he really asking her if this was enough to scare her away from him? She grabbed him, pulling him with her quickly out of the corridor and into a small utility closet nearby, where an audience wouldn’t gather on the way to dinner.

When the door closed behind them, she exhaled, bending forward slightly with her hands on her knees. She just needed to get a good breath in while she felt like the world was collapsing. A baby would have been much preferable to this. At least…she knew what to do if it were a baby. What she would do. But this?

“Do you understand what losing you would do to me?” She asked, fresh tears running down her face as she stood upright again. “Do you think I would survive that?” She wouldn’t. She knew she wouldn’t. If her family managed to do what Julia said they would, Rosie would be right behind him.

“I’ve always been in this,” she said, her voice weakening, “from the very beginning. But I…” The girl shook her head, “I can’t pretend like I didn’t just hear what I did. And I can’t let you pretend either.”

“Shouldn’t doesn’t negate that it does matter, Cassian! It matters to me! It does matter, it does!”

Cassian spared a glance around the corridor, aware of the few gazes they'd already drawn while Rosie continued to unravel. It wasn't the place for this kind of conversation. This, like everything else, was something the boy was sure they could work through...just...not in front of an audience with emotions already running so high. He was relieved when she pulled him into the closet, ready to finally release that breath he'd been holding in.

That chance never came. No sooner had the door closed, Rosie had unleashed a second wave of anxiety and terror, the blows hammering against the walls he'd tried to erect in pursuit of renewing his resolve.

A minute, he just needed a minute.

“Do you understand what losing you would do to me?”

Cassian sighed. "Rosie..."

“Do you think I would survive that?”

"Rosie--"

“I’ve always been in this from the very beginning. But I… I can’t pretend like I didn’t just hear what I did. And I can’t let you pretend either.”

"ROSIE!" Cassian reached for her, his hands grabbing hold of either of her arms and giving her a small shake. It was just enough to gain her attention, but not so hard as to be abrasive. "Stop!" She wasn't listening, but in a moment like this, he really needed her to. "Just...stop. Fuck." He drew in a deep breath, trying to return to his earlier composure, but her rambling had set him off in a completely different direction. This one was equally unproductive.

He let his hands fall from her when he was convinced she wasn't going to start on another tirade. With the return of the silence, fleeting and momentary as it was, Cassian grabbed it. He used it to steel himself again. Cass used it to remind himself what was at stake.

Short as the distance was, he paced from one wall to the next before turning for a second lap. He buried his fingers in his curls, pulling lightly at them while he tried to think. There he was, trying to be strong for the pair of them, and she was asking him to be weak, to break with her, to fall into the hands of the terror that sought to rip them apart. He couldn't. One of them had to keep watch. One of them had to remain on the walls, bowstring taut, ready to shoot at the first sign of movement.

It wasn't her, no matter what she wanted to believe. Rosie was a worrier, a worrier who shut down the moment things grew terrifying. She was the sort to try talking him out of things, rather than encouraging his strength with her belief. Of course, she meant well, but it wasn't productive.

Cassian didn't want logic right now. He didn't want to be reminded of what he'd heard or what he should think. The boy only wanted to know that the girl he loved believed in him enough to let him take care of her.

When he stopped, Cass turned to her again.

"Do you trust me?" His dark eyes bore into hers, locking in. He wanted an answer and would wait until she did. "Do you?"

"I trust you."

She said it boldly, not an ounce of hesitation found in his once trembling frame. He cupped her face, allowing a momentary relief to flood him. That was a portion of the battle already fought and won. "Good. That's all I need. Just that. Not the worry, not the crying. I need you to let me handle this and...and I need to know you trust me to handle this--to take care of you, take care of us." He brushed his thumbs lightly over her cheeks. "I don't need to hear that you think you'll lose me, not right now when I'm trying to be strong for the two of us. I just..." Cassian leaned in, pressing his forehead against hers and squeezing his eyes shut while he continued to ground himself against all the noise. "I need to hear that you think I've got this, that you think I really can."

He needed to feel like a man when everything reminded him he was still a boy. It was the only way he could commit against the odds that kept stacking. She wanted him to be real and lay his emotions at her feet but he couldn't, not this time. He needed to be on top of things, and she had to allow him to.

She had to believe he could.