I Hate You, I Love You | Bae

Sunday, April 17, 1921
Noon
<3

Honesty hadn't always served him well.

It had hurt her. It had made it impossible for them to be together.

In the same vein, withholding from her was killing him. For a teenage boy who had never embraced his own feelings and emotions without lashing out, trying to actively bury them when she was still cuddling him, touching him and kissing him was driving him from his mind.

The talk with his mum had made him look at the way he was approaching his role within the family differently. With her encouragement and direction, he was beginning to realize he could still do what he was supposed to, and be the heir his uncle needed. He could also still be him and carve out his own path and what the future of his family would look like.

Over Easter, James had made it clear what, or rather who would be a part of that future, and for someone so young, the idea had been daunting.

Benji had been born a Cuddrun. He'd never thought himself to be in this place within four short years of leaving home and coming to Hogwarts. He'd never thought himself to be a part of the pureblood upper echelon with expectations and now...a marriage looming over him.

He had to tell her. There was no way around it.

He stood quietly, his arms resting on the arches as the wooden bridge creaked beneath his feet. The breeze was gentle today, and while he could think of nicer places to break this news, it was the only place he knew of that almost no one else ever went.

"Something happened over Easter," he said quietly. "I'm not supposed to tell you, but I don't think it's fair that I know and you don't." Hazel eyes drifted tentatively to meet pretty brown. He swallowed hard, trying to prepare himself.

He took a deep breath. "I just need you to listen and not say anything until I'm done."

Here they went again.

Arms folded, her back leaned against the rickety railing of the bridge, Rae's nostrils flared as she inhaled deeply. It had become a concerning pattern, no longer a coincidence but a guarantee. Every time Benji went home, he came back saying more things she didn't want to hear. At home, he returned to spending too much time with his uncle. Who knew, maybe even her father in some roundabout way. While the man never spared her an owl, he seemed to be plenty busy behind the scenes, pulling strings like the puppetmaster he'd convinced himself he was.

Without fail, it never ended well for them. It never ended well for her.

She didn't want to listen and certainly not without saying anything. When Benji had asked her to meet him out by the bridge after her hospital wing shift, she'd been thrilled. The pair had recently--only two days prior--gotten rid of the oppressive rules James had tried forcing onto them, and she was excited to see what he had in mind now that they were back to being on more physical terms. Rae didn't make a habit of wandering out to and lingering on the bridge, but that only added to her intrigue.

Imagine her...annoyance when the boy spoke and all that came out of his mouth was the promise of some new nonsense she'd probably have to end up fighting well into the summer.

He needed to stop going home. Billie wouldn't mind having him over, and he could bring his sister if he really wanted. But this? This...going home, then coming back with newer and newer ways to piss her off? It wasn't something she wanted to keep putting up with.

So yeah, her boyfriend? He no longer lived at Arundel Castle. They needed to figure out some new accommodations.

"Alright," she said with an exasperated sigh and a roll of her eyes so massive it made the nerves hurt. "Let's hear it then."

There was no point in beating around the bush. Better to learn the nature of this new beast. Apparently, she might need to head to the owlery after to send a pair of scathing letters to the men who thought they held the world in their hands. Might as well find out what she would need to lay into them about.

Life kept picking at her, day after day. The one thing she thought was hers to keep was now under chronic attack, and she was quickly losing her patience with it.

She'd JUST gotten him back, too. Maybe not as a boyfriend, but they were in a better place.

Fuck.

His sigh echoed hers as he turned his gaze out to the grounds once more, missing the days when - actually those didn't exist. Benji had never experienced a time really when some part of his life wasn't chaotic. But that wasn't her problem.

He nodded, glad she'd agreed even if she could obviously tell this wasn't the same as their reunion that had happened just two days ago. It was possible after he told her, that things would fall apart again, but it was a risk he was willing to take in order not to lie to her or withhold things that were important for them both to know.

He took a deep breath before exhaling softly, his words coming slowly. "I was sat down and told that my family's going to be hosting a garden party at the beginning of summer. Your family will be there." He turned to face her, his hazel eyes fixing on her pretty mahogany. This was his shot, his chance to prove to her that he wasn't the puppet she thought he'd be. He reached for her hand, hoping she'd let him hold it, if only to steady his nerves.

When she wasn't his fury, she was his calm and reassurance.

"They're arranging us. You and me." Benji felt his heart picking up speed, watching for her reaction. "I'm supposed to pick you a ring and propose or something at this party. In front of everyone there." He laughed a little, more from the disbelief that still plagued him. He steadied himself, forcing himself to focus on her.

"I don't want whatever our relationship ends up being to be up to anyone but me and you." He meant it. He'd learned his lesson. He didn't expect her to take him back, but he wanted her to know he wasn't going to just fall in line. Not when it came to her. "I'm going to propose. There's no way around it. And I hope you'll say no." His voice picked up speed, wanting to clarify. "Not...not because I don't love you..." he said, swaying a bit on his heels to try and make this make sense. "But because if you do want to be with me, or...marry me someday, it's your choice. Not theirs."

He exhaled. There. He'd gotten it out. He didn't want Rae to ever feel like he'd force her into something she didn't want again. He didn't ever want her to think he was choosing his uncle and her father's wishes over hers. He wanted her to know the kind of man he intended to be, even if it would take him a long time to get there.

"Anyway, that's it I guess."

He looked at her apprehensively, waiting for the gavel to come down.

...

....

That would do it.

Rae deadpanned at the boy's words, her neutral exterior belying the rage that suddenly swept through her. Arranging them, her and him. A fancy garden party in the summer, and Benji would be picking out a ring. Both hands clasped at her mouth, her gaze falling to the floor as she tried to remember to breathe. In front of everyone, and he hadn't been meant to tell her...until...until when? Until she was suddenly put on the spot in front of tens or hundreds of prying eyes? Did her father think she cared so much about appearances--or his reputation for that matter--to bow because there were already people gathered?

She couldn't even look at him. This was all so fucked up. Why couldn't they just leave her alone? It was bad enough that the man tried to change her. Her hair wasn't right. Her skin wasn't right. She didn't talk proper--not like someone who'd been taken care of by a governess in her early life and had received the best education. It all had to change. Now the man, with the help of his proper English businessman presumed to tell her who she would marry?

The fucking balls on that man.

Stripping her of her dignity with his pretentious family wasn't enough. Stealing away precious moments with Billie during her holidays wasn't enough. He had to go and ruin something as sacred and magical as who she'd fucking marry.

A proposal because someone told him to, not because Benji saw something that made him wanna chase forever with her. He could say whatever he wanted, but how would she ever know now? Duty? Heart? Which was he offering? They weren't even together. The men had seen to that themselves. He wasn't allowed to touch her...but he was going to buy a ring...get down on one knee...and....what exactly?

"And I hope you'll say no."

She didn't need his permission.

"Of course, the fucking answer's no!" she spat, her legs springing her into a pacing motion. Rae buried her hands in her curls, walking back and forth while her mind tried to comprehend what it had been told. "I'm gonna be sick." She was certain she would be. It wasn't that she didn't love Benji. Somewhere, deep down, she held a small candle of hope, its flames burning low with the idea that someday, when she and Benji could finally get it right, he'd propose. They'd get married and start a crazy new life. That dream was tainted now. The idea had been put into his head before he'd managed to think of it himself. Now she'd never know if he ever would've because it was what he wanted or because his aristo uncle insisted they had no choice.

"I'm going to be sick," she repeated, firmly. "And when I'm done being sick, I'm going to sneak into Hogsmeade to buy my father the loudest howler he's ever received. He's got no idea."

Well, that went about as well as he could have hoped.

Benji wanted to jump off this fucking bridge. He hadn't asked for this, she did realize that, yes? This wasn't his idea. There was no part of the fifteen year old boy that wanted to think about getting married, much less actually be engaged to anyone. As much he loved the girl, they were so off-base with each other, hardly ever on the same wavelength these days.

He knew the news was upsetting, and that she likely wouldn't handle it well. He turned from her as she paced, leaning against the railing and giving her a moment to get it all out of her system. He wasn't marrying her. He wasn't engaged to her, despite what his uncle and her father might command. If he ever wanted to marry Rae, he'd marry her on his own terms.

Later.

Far later.

In the waaaaay future.

Maybe when she wasn't insane anymore.

It would be a long fall, so if he did jump, at least he could enjoy the feeling of weightlessness before he went splat against the rocks below. It would solve everyone's problems at least. James could find himself a more willing heir, Kate would be the beloved only child, and Rae would never have to be bothered with him again.

A win, win for everyone. "How long do you think it takes to hit the bottom?" he asked out loud, while she paced back and forth behind him.

"I'm going to be sick."

"Plenty of places to barf," he indicated lightly to the openings in the railing around them. He wasn't trying to be insensitive to her obvious shock and anger. He was just trying to keep things light so he didn't actually try to hoist himself over.

"And when I'm done being sick, I'm going to sneak into Hogsmeade to buy my father the loudest howler he's ever received. He's got no idea."

"Why bother?" he asked, his voice sounding gloomier than it had even a second ago. "Your father doesn't care what you think." He glanced back at her, the stupidity of it all suddenly hitting him in the same way it had that morning at breakfast. A small smirk played in the corner of his lips as he tried to hold it all in.

She'd say no, thankfully. He wouldn't be asking her for real. He wouldn't even get down on one knee. He had every intention to hold out the ring in the middle of his palm and ask her with as little enthusiasm as possible. Just to really drive in the point.

A laugh built up in his throat, choking him as he thought about how ridiculous this was. "It's alright Mrs. Benji." He turned, not daring to reach for her, because despite his want to jump, he really didn't have a death wish. "We'll just make our vows super honest. 'Do you take this strapping, deliciously handsome idiot to be your husband?'" He mimicked her higher pitched voice. "'Absolutely not! I hate him!'"

He grinned widely.

"Perfect ceremony."

"Plenty of places to barf."

...

"Why bother?"

.......

"Your father doesn't care what you think."

It occurred to her then that Benji Laurence...might actually have been trying to die. She'd heard his earlier comment about the ravine, mirroring her own internal concerns of whether she'd be unfortunate enough to survive such a fall. Still, it had been easy enough to push aside in the wake of the much larger fish they were now forced to fry. The boy likely didn't mean it any more than she thought she did.

Those quips though...maybe he really was looking for a fast way down but couldn't bring himself to do it.

"I'll make him care!" The FUCK? If there was one thing that Ruth Anaya Elliot had learned, it was how to make herself the largest thorn in someone's side. Her father didn't care what she thought. Good for him. The man would soon learn how inconvenient it could be when she similarly did not care for what HE thought.

Billie had warned her. Her mother had sat her down and explained what the wider world could be like, how sometimes the system was too big to be fought and you had to learn to find a place in it anyway.

Her place was the iron wrench jammed into the gears so they could no longer spin.

She was not Benji. Threats of excommunication and disheritance would be a blessing. Wealth that was never hers would not be missed. If the man insisted on remaining in her life, it was going to cost him, one way or ano--

"It's alright Mrs. Benji."

As if the laughter hadn't been insulting enough. She was seeing red. All sense was quickly fleeing her, pouring out in droves onto the aged wooden flooring of the bridge before seeping through the cracks into the abyss below.

"We'll just make our vows super honest. 'Do you take this strapping, deliciously handsome idiot to be your husband?''Absolutely not! I hate him!'"

Her face matched her vision, quickly gaining colour as the boy continued to bury himself in his infuriating amusement. Rae had made several promises to keep her hands to herself and had made...some progress, but the more he spoke...the more he laughed...the less in control of her body she felt. It transcended physicality. It wasn't just not being able to refrain from swinging...but the way he seemed to throw back in her face that no matter what she did...she would never be her own.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" she screamed, shoving him without a care for where he might end up or if she'd be able to move him at all.

"This isn't funny!" No matter how much he laughed. Rather than hit him, the girl spun and slammed her fist into one of the bridge's supporting beams with a low thud.

Fuck the stupid ceremony!" There wouldn't be one. She wasn't marrying anyone and certainly not because someone else said so. Rae turned to look at him again, her chest heaving and her eyes moistening with angry tears. "What's wrong with you? I don't get how you can just stand there laughing and grinning like...like..."

She screamed again, this time kicking at the beam in a bid to expel some of the ire that bubbled inside her. The girl's entire frame shook, scarcely able to keep it all in while everything felt like it had fallen into a rapid spiral.

"I'll make him care!"

He was sure she would try. Benji never doubted Rae's ability to make a bad situation worse, if only for the sake of her own pride. It wasn't that Benji didn't have pride. He had just figured out a way to rebel quietly but very deliberately. He wouldn't go screaming and raging at his uncle, knowing it wouldn't change a damn thing.

Instead, he'd do things his way and make it known he wasn't a pup to brought to heel.

Benji would one day bring his family to heel.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

A puff of air escaped his lips as he grinned, flying backwards into the railing as Mrs. Benji pushed him. He felt himself flail slightly, grabbing onto anything solid so he didn't actually plummet to his death. It was in that moment Benji realized he didn't actually want to launch himself over.

She was screaming now, hitting the bridge, flipping out. He understood. He really did. But Benji couldn't go there. He couldn't lash out and rage or scream because it wasn't how he was going to deal with this. So he laughed. He laughed at the absolute ridiculousness and stupidity of it all, to keep himself from going feral.

The idea of it - him, a shithead kid from the wrong side of the tracks - that he'd be arranged to the girl he could never seem to find an equilibrium with, was absolutely insane. But for now, he couldn't focus on himself.

"What's wrong with you? I don't get how you can just stand there laughing and grinning like...like..."

She needed him, and he was going to help, whether she wanted him to or not.

Without warning, the boy reached out and snatched her, wrapping his arms tightly around her, and pulling her to his chest. She screamed and shrieked, cursing him and calling him every name in the book, so shrilly that he thought her throat might bleed from the strain. She fought him, punching, slapping and kicking anywhere she could land a blow. A couple caught his face - his jaw and eye, but he held her tighter, refusing to let her go.

She was going to know he was here, he wasn't running away from this, and he was going to make sure she came out the other end of this whole. "I know," he said, trying to be heard above her screams, letting her rage at him and at the world that continued to try and tell her who she could be. "Get it out, but I'm not letting you go. You and I are going to figure this out together."

The last--thevery last--thing Ruth Anaya Elliot needed was to be held.

The moment Benji's arms wrapped around her, it unlocked a new level of rage that she'd just barely managed to keep in check before. The girl who was already seething felt her entire body catch fire with an uncomfortable heat that drew her closer and closer to combustion.

"I know."

He didn't.

"Get it out."

She planned to.

Rae didn't want to sit and talk about her feelings; she didn't want to brainstorm ways to survive within this new system to make themselves smaller and less likely to be targeted. Most of all, she didn't need him patronising her with promises of figuring shit out when he knew he planned to bow and scrape and wait to be told he was a 'good boy'. She wanted to rage against the system, heedless of how futile it might be. She didn't want to go silently into the night, a spectre of herself for the sake of appearance--not for ten years, not for ten minutes.

That was what Benji offered.

Figure it out. What was there to figure out? How to play it cool and act like they were having fun? Keeping some imaginary candle burning somewhere inside their chest where no one could see, but oh oh oh they could certainly feel it, and that should be enough to keep them warm until the tides changed?

What happened if the tide never changed?

She would rather burn. If the girl couldn't have herself, no one else could.

Rae kept hitting and screaming, fighting to pull away, but Benji wouldn't let go. The boy held her through her storm, forcing her still. With time, her energy was spent, and her screams died down. It wasn't because she'd raged her way into acceptance, but because she'd worn herself out with her fury. She shoved against his arms quietly, indicating she was done and wanted to be released--as if the screaming hadn't been clear enough.

When he released her, she leaned against the bridge's railing, her jaw set and her gaze trained down into the ravine.

She didn't have anything else to say, but knew what she would be doing next.

More hits, more screams.

He took them all, let her wail on him and still, he held her. Rae had hit him plenty of times in the duration they'd known one another, and while he'd told her - recently - she couldn't do it anymore, this was a time he'd let fly without complaint. Who else was she going to vent her rage on? Definitely not the bridge; she'd only hurt herself and make herself angrier.

This was safer. This was decidedly better.

When it seemed she finally wore herself out, he let her go without fuss, taking her quiet shove against his arms to signal that she was done.

He gave her a moment, letting the new quiet fall between them. He turned, facing the ravine as well, his fingers drumming idly on the wood railing.

It could have been worse. She could have actually thrown him over. And what a sight that would have been. He understood she was angry. He understood that she wasn't going to give in. Benji knew that Rae would sooner cut off her own nose to spite her face than to ever do what someone else commanded of her.

It didn't matter to him at this point what came next, only that she would be alright. He knew he couldn't control what her father did, only how he reacted to his uncle. But he could at least try and be there, even if she didn't want him to be. Even if she ended up hating him in the end.

He could still try.

He exhaled a little louder than he meant to. She wasn't saying anything. "Don't send that howler," he said quietly with a slight shake of his head. "You know it'll only make things worse." He knew she didn't care about that either, but he didn't want her incurring her father's wrath. The way she'd come back from Christmas had told him all he needed to know.

"I didn't tell you to make you upset. Just didn't think it was right that you shouldn't know."

"Don't send that howler."

The muscles in her jaw clenched tighter as her eyes narrowed.

"I'm going to." Benji was part of a bigger, problematic system that kept seeking to tell her what she was and wasn't meant to do. Don't send the howler, don't be so loud, don't slouch, speak clearly. In less than half a year, so many had grown emboldened, taking her for putty to squeeze and mould between their fingers. They imagined fanciful shapes and designs, already plotting the result without her ever having a say. "I'm going to send three, the loudest ones the shop owns. Every cuss word I ever learned, some I'll have to make up. You can join me or you can just watch--hell, you can go hide until it's done, if you'd like, but I'm going to."

Did she think it would change her father's mind? Of course not, she wasn't stupid. Roger Burke wouldn't have a change of heart. He wouldn't come swooping in with lavish apologies and promises to do better. No, Rae had a feeling she already knew his reaction if her winter break had been anything to go off of.

It didn't matter because this mattered. It mattered that she not be quiet. It mattered that he knew he wasn't in for an easy ride, gliding through her like a blade through butter. The naive girl who believed in impossibilities no longer existed. In her place was one who wielded spite like a second skin and didn't need to win to prove her point.

This was war now, and she intended to leave many casualties. If his pride and sense of control were all she could target, then she would decimate them. Every time she acted up, she would watch that vein pop at the side of his head while he frustrated himself over what else he might try.

She would make him feel as hopeless in the situation as she did, as lost for where to turn. If she couldn't have control, then neither of them could. That was all she cared about. That was her goal: to become a thorn in the man's side so uncomfortable that it couldn't be ignored.

Her lips twitched, as if they meant to smile, but the muscles quit before accomplishing it. Worse. She'd only make things worse. "Worse for whom?" He really didn't get it, did he? Benji thought there was something she was interested in salvaging in this little forced exchange, like she saw the other end of the tunnel and was thrilled to receive all the things awaiting her there. Chomping at the bit, dying to don those pretty dresses and be told her voice should be erased. For what? A luxury house in another country? A family that thought she was so dirty she could only eat from one set of dinnerware to avoid contaminating the rest? Even the house elf scoffed at her, refusing her simplest requests.

Where was the prize? How was it already not as bad as it could be? "What could be worse than ruining a girl's fairytale wedding dreams?" She asked mildly, choosing cheek to mask her ire. "He'll hit me and then what? How will he take back the howlers once they've yelled at him--humiliated him?"

Benji had something to gain with his compliance. A home for him and his sister, a family that treated him like their own and a future he was eager for. None of those were true for her, so what reason did she have to be quiet and make it easier for her father? Rae wasn't afraid of being hit. She was afraid of being stripped away from herself and forced into someone else's skin.

"I didn't tell you to make you upset. Just didn't think it was right that you shouldn't know."

"I'm not mad at you for telling me. I...don't reckon I'm mad at you at all. Although the next time you call me Mrs. Benji, I really might find a cliff to throw you off. I know you want me to drop it, but I don't gain anything by falling in line. Nothing I want." And the boy surely knew that Rae never did anything that didn't benefit her.

The hat had clocked her. Her blood ran green.

"Why would I hide?" Benji asked, narrowing his eyes, "Why do you have to say it like that? You act like I'm some sniveling weasel or something." It was insulting, and made him question what she really thought of him to imply he'd go hide somewhere while she baited her father. Just because he wanted to play the long game didn't mean he wasn't playing it. And obviously she didn't want to play it at all, which he didn't fault her for.

But fuck if she could quit talking to him like he was some milquetoast, all the better.

"Worse for whom?"

"For you," Benji said emphatically, shaking his head. "I saw what he did to you over Christmas. I don't want him hurting you. I can't protect you from him, not yet." He held up his hand at her before she could say anything, "And I get it. You don't need me to protect you, but that's not the fucking point." She didn't understand that as someone who loved her and cared about her, Benji felt it was his job to take care of her and protect her from those that would hurt her. It was how he'd always felt and had only grown stronger when they had started dating. Those weren't feelings he could turn off. It would kill him to know he was powerless while her father hit her or worse.

"What could be worse than ruining a girl's fairytale wedding dreams?"

Benji sighed, tilting his head at her. Wedding dreams? Did she not think he would give her those when the time came - if she decided she wanted to be with him? Those weren't stolen dreams, not with him. He could give her everything she wanted and more. He'd move mountains for her and -

"He'll hit me and then what? How will he take back the howlers once they've yelled at him--humiliated him?"

"You don't get it," Benji said with resignation, propping his elbows on the railing and dropping his face into his hands. "That's not how men like him work, Rae. Men like your father they...they escalate. Last time it was a hit and changing your appearance. You don't think it'll get worse? You don't think a man like Roger Burke would hesitate to crucio you? Or use Imperio on you and make you almost drown yourself or something?" There was genuine fear in his voice at the idea of what the man who obviously held no love for his daughter would do to her to get her to comply.

It made him sick to imagine.

"I'm not saying obey. I'm not saying agree." He dropped his hands to look at her again. "I'm right here telling you to defy them and tell me no. I'm asking you not to agitate the wasp nest more than necessary." She got that right? She understood that his request had nothing to do with her submission and everything to do with her safety?

"I'm not mad at you for telling me. I...don't reckon I'm mad at you at all. Although the next time you call me Mrs. Benji, I really might find a cliff to throw you off. I know you want me to drop it, but I don't gain anything by falling in line. Nothing I want."

"I don't want you to drop it or fall in line," he emphasized. He took a step towards her, hesitating only a moment, before reaching out a hand to cup at her face. "I don't want you ever to be a meek obedient girl. I love your fire." His eyes searched hers and he swallowed hard. "I just want you safe, Rae. I want us to fight this. Together. So we can come out the other end of this together."

He wanted them to be a force to be reckoned with. A small grin perked at the side of his lips. "Mrs. Benji has a cute little ring to it though. I'll be Mr. Rae if you want me to be." His grin spread wider, anticipating another hit coming. "We should be careful with the nicknames though. Can't have people thinking we're back together."

"Why would I hide?"

Benji Laurence had a short memory. Either that, or the boy possessed a lot more audacity than she’d given him credit for. The boy said she acted like he was a sniveling weasel…as if he forgot the way he grabbed for a towel and tried to cover himself from what Merlin knew she must’ve seen a million times by now—because his uncle said so. The genuine terror and discomfort he’d shown because someone else had told him so. He’d hoisted her off his lap with the urgency of a boy who’d seen the face of God and feared his retribution.

Did he think she’d forget? That last Friday made it no longer true? He was mistaken. Rae wasn’t acting like he was anything, she was reacting to what he’d shown her. Back in January, rolling into February, he had become a boy she didn’t recognize. She didn’t do that. That was all him, so forgive her if she now thought he’d rather turn the other way than stand with her and watch the world burn as he’d shown her he would.

But she chose peace. Choosing peace sometimes meant ignoring things she could easily drive a hammer into and be right about.

Better for her, he’d said. Better? Listening to her father? Acting like she clung to his every word, her head bowing in deference while she waited for his next command until one magical day when he said “here, Ruth, the key to an estate you never asked for and a lifetime of bowing and scraping to other men”.

What utter and complete…joy. Rae was thrilled to lose herself to someone else over a prize she didn’t want. The girl was chomping at the bit to make the man feel all-powerful and as if he’d gotten himself a plump lamb for the slaughter, one that occasionally smiled when he dangled a carrot low enough to the ground. Benji had it all figured out, didn’t he? And when they got to the other end? When he father had already gotten what he wanted and she was only a shell of herself? Was that where she was meant to flip the switch and return to the girl they’d beaten down—or was that after her father surrendered his control at his funeral and she could finally puff a sigh of relief at having gotten that monkey off her back? Benji should tell her when, she’d certainly hate to miss the joyous moment. Apparently, on her own, she didn’t have the eye for such things or knowing what was good for her.

On top of it all, Benji…had the nerve…to tell her not only that he was trying to protect her—whether she wanted it or not—but that she as the one who didn’t get it. HA.She didn’t know men like her father. HA HA. oh big scary men like him, grrr they were so scary. They didn’t just hit you. Oh noooo. Merlin, she had no idea. Good thing good ole Benji was there to educate her on her own peril. She’d be lost without him.

Rae laughed. Finally, the girl could understand his earlier hysterics. This really was all ridiculous, wasn’t it? Perfectly preposterous.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

“Fuck him and his crucio, his imperio, his fists and his bitch of a wife with her poisons.” There was genuine laughter in her eyes, a distorted mirth that entwined itself with defiance. Finally, when she managed to compose herself, she lifted a hand to gently cup his cheek, her lips curling at the corners with impish delight. “You’re the one who doesn’t get it. That wasp nest is my prize—the only prize I want. I want him buzzing. I want him frantic. I want him at the end of his rope, ready to hang me, looking me in the eyes and realizing that in all that…he never won.”

She didn’t care beyond that. He wanted to hit her, let him. No wound hurt forever.

”You are asking me to drop it and fall in line.” She let her hand fall, turning her gaze back to the ravine with a small shake of her head. “That’s the only way to make him—men like him—“ as he liked to call them, giving them power as if they were their own category, “they don’t stop short of complete obedience, silence, worship. He wins every time I’m quiet. It doesn’t matter if I’m quiet because I’m biding my time or if I’m quiet because I genuinely believe. He still gets silence. He still gets his prize. Intention means nothing to men like him Benji, something you don’t seem to get. He won’t care even if he knew my silence was filled with hatred and venom as long as he got to recline in his chair and not hear me scream. So I ask again, me dropping this,” she cast her gaze to him. “Better for whom?”

She sighed. It was easy to tell that Benji was being sincere, that he was genuinely out to protect her, that he worried deeper than she’d have liked. It wasn’t that she appreciated it. It was just…

“Sometimes safe doesn’t mean not getting hurt and sometimes…being safe isn’t worth not getting hurt.” Rae nudged his shoulder lightly. “You’re not the only one who gets to be a little shit. I bet you every galleon in my father’s vault that if you wanted something bad enough and someone said you’d get punched if you took it, you’d grin like the devil and show them the better cheek for hitting because it’s worth it, yeah? It’s the same. This matters more to me than having him never put his hand on me again. That’s the only way I win in any of this. Not the estate, not the fancy dinners, not my name on important letters some day ‘running a family’ and finally getting my turn at being in charge after suffering under someone else. It’s watching his brows crease as he realises I’m serious everytime I say no. It’s the way his hand twitches because we’re in public and I know I’ve rattled him.”

Fuck safety, she was out for blood.

She slipped her hand in his, hoping to soften her stubborn words for his sake. “We’ll come out the other side together. We’ll be fine, but you have to let me handle this how I want. Earlier you said you didn’t tell me to upset me, only so I could have choices. What did you expect? I wouldn’t be me if I swallowed this and left him smirking in front of his fireplace and if you really don’t want me becoming meek and obedient then let me fight the only way I can.”

"Mrs. Benji has a cute little ring to it though. I'll be Mr. Rae if you want me to be. We should be careful with the nicknames though. Can't have people thinking we're back together."

Idiot.

Against her will, she felt her own grin forming, small but too difficult to contain. “You’re the only one pushing those horrendous nicknames. Knock it off and we won’t have that worry.”

He took it back, again.

Benji did actually want to jump off this bridge. He'd mulled it over a few times now, gone back and forth over the idea. He did, he didn't, he did, he didn't.

He did.

His ex-girlfriend had always been a devil. She'd always marched to the beat of her own drum, dismissing the sounds of the line around her. She'd never fallen into step, never been the type to tout 'all for one and one for all', like he did. At times, it caused misunderstandings between them - not because they didn't like the different ways each other viewed the world. But because it was so starkly different from their own default.

He listened, deciding not to interrupt - as though he could have gotten a word in edgewise anyway. When the girl ranted, she did it so there was no confusing how she felt.

”You are asking me to drop it and fall in line.”

Pretty sure he was not. She did hear him, right? She heard what he just said? He was fairly certain he wasn't speaking Swahili.

“Better for whom?”

He understood what she was saying, genuinely. And he didn't feel the need to try and 'reason' with her. She felt how she felt and saw things how she saw them. Benji's only concern was her safety and not allowing her to get hurt. He couldn't stop her from sending her father a howler if she really felt the need to, nor would he actually try. Did he prefer she didn't? Of course. Why would he want her putting herself in a position that he knew would only have her physically punished?

But the boy had to realize...this wasn't up to him.

Rae was allowed to fight back in the way she needed to, just as he was. She didn't need his permission or his agreement. Despite what his uncle and father would apparently demand, he and Rae weren't together, much less married. And even if they were the girl would never allow him to try and tell her what to do. It was one of the things he loved about her - that she had a mind of her own, that she didn't apologize for it, and that she commanded space in places that would silence her.

Did he want easier? Sure. What fifteen year old bloke didn't? What boy wouldn't want a girl that helped make things less complicated? But then Benji wouldn't have Rae. And he'd rather fight and scream and tear his hair out and contemplate jumping off bridges to keep her, than marry an agreeable, smiling, no-mind-of-her-own girl and live an uneventful existence.

“We’ll come out the other side together. We’ll be fine, but you have to let me handle this how I want. Earlier you said you didn’t tell me to upset me, only so I could have choices. What did you expect? I wouldn’t be me if I swallowed this and left him smirking in front of his fireplace and if you really don’t want me becoming meek and obedient then let me fight the only way I can.”

"I get it," he said when she slipped her hand into his. He squeezed it gently, and tugged her closer to him, reaching his other hand to twist a curl around his finger. "I promise, I do. I just...I know if I see you hurt it's going to make me crazy. I'll want to kill him and - I can't." He exhaled heavily, raising an eyebrow at the girl that made him nuts anyway. "But I also know it's not all about me and my feelings. You're right. You deserve to be heard. If that's what you need to do then..." he shrugged. What more was there to say?

He felt a sick twisting in his stomach, and he realized more than just being concerned for her, Benji was scared for her. It was his job, as a man, to protect her. Girlfriend or not. He had always been sort of 'the man' in her life, as long as they'd known each other, and he'd taken it seriously once she had let him really have that role.

Stepping back was going to be hard, but he loved her and respected her enough to do as she asked.

“You’re the only one pushing those horrendous nicknames. Knock it off and we won’t have that worry.”

His smile widened slightly as he dropped her hand and slinked an arm around her waist. "Someday," he said quietly, "if you'll have me for real, I'll propose for real. I promise you." He dropped his forehead to hers, his lips remaining upright as his hazel eyes bore into her pretty brown. "So, since I'm not giving up the nicknames and people will talk anyway, what do you say?" He held her a little tighter.

"Give it another go?"

"I get it."

Did he?

Rae shot the boy a sceptical look, scrutinising his features for a moment as if they might give away deeper answers than he was currently willing to share. He said he got it. Got it how? Got it in a way that would make him stop suggesting she not make her father mad? Got it in the way that he heard her, didn't agree, and intended to continue forcing his protection on her? If it were the latter, then the boy was asking to get his feelings hurt. Ruth Anaya was in no short supply of venom, and if Benji insisted on receiving some for himself, she would be happy to oblige.

It was enough of having others thrusting their wills upon her.

"I promise, I do. I just...I know if I see you hurt it's going to make me crazy. I'll want to kill him and - I can't. But I also know it's not all about me and my feelings. You're right. You deserve to be heard. If that's what you need to do then..."

Yeah. She got that. That was the thing with them--had always been the thing. They didn't always agree, and they didn't always think the same, but they understood. Not all of it, sometimes not most of it, but more than anyone else. It was strange how deeply she felt she knew the boy and how deeply she'd been convinced she knew him from the beginning. Even while they'd raged at each other, it had always been clear that Benji could see her in a way very few could. Rae had never spoken about her past in any explicit terms, glossing over what she needed to and ignoring the rest.

He saw her anyway.

"I won't tell you not to worry about me." That seemed a little silly at this point. Benji would worry. "But I promise I know what I'm doing. If I'm going to be locked inside some ivory tower, I at least deserve to have some fun on the walk up"

Rae went easily when he pulled her, bumping lightly into his chest before settling against him. She took a moment to relish the feeling of closeness that came with his forehead being pressed against hers.

"I'll propose for real. I promise you."

"You'd better," she murmured, but, in truth, she was relieved. The dream wasn't lost forever. It hadn't been trampled and placed beyond reach or recovery. Rae wanted nothing to do with the farce of a proposal and whatever else the grown men might have had up their sleeves. But, if there was a future where Benji could look at her with all the sincerity in the world and ask for their own forever...she still thought she'd like that...a lot.

His arm tightened around her, his hazel eyes working to break through the last of her defenses with his proposition, but she stiffened.

It wasn't that she didn't want to.

Frankly, Rae was over the nonsense of not having him for a boyfriend and having to pretend they were just friends. She didn't want to be just his friend--hadn't wanted that in so long that sometimes it was hard to imagine such a time.

"Benji..." She braced her arm against his, easing away and looking up at him.

"You know I love you, yeah?" Rae trusted that even in the middle of their worst fights, that was the one thing that was never questioned. "And that I wanna be with you, but...that's just it. I only wanna be with you. Not your uncle. Not my father. No one else. I don't wanna say yes...then spend the whole time worrying about when the next time will be, when someone lays down the law, and you hope I agree so someone else can be happy while we're both miserable."

Her peace and her autonomy were too precious for that.

She leaned back in, wrapping her arms around him and resting her chin on his chest. "You're my boyfriend, not theirs. If we're gonna do this then I need to know you're on my team first--that we are a team. Don't ask me to come back if you can't promise we're in this together. What happened in January...I don't think I could handle it again."

She didn't want to ask him to choose between her and his family, but she didn't want an ill-fated love where she'd have to spend forever unhappy for the sake of someone else's pleasure and comfort. Someone who wasn't even Benji.

"You deserve all the fun, sweet girl," he said, his arm still wrapped tightly around her waist as he smoothed a soft strand of curls from her face. It wasn't his idea of fun, but it didn't matter. This was what she needed, and maybe part of being a good man was recognizing when to let her lead.

"You'd better."

Softness filled him, the kind that he'd felt that cold February night when he'd laid next to her in the trees and confessed he was in love. It was a feeling surety and safety that Benji hadn't felt much before Rae and Julia fell into his life. She...wanted him to.

Benji wasn't stupid. He was only fifteen; Rae only being fourteen. To think that he had a really clear hold on what lay ahead, or if he and Rae would even like each other in ten years, was preposterous. He didn't know, but he had faith. He and Rae had overcome everything they'd faced in each other. Despite the different ways both of them messed up, they were still here. Maybe not as boyfriend and girlfriend, but here all the same.

"Benji..."

That...didn't feel or sound good. Benji's face fell as she pushed against his arm, putting the slightest of firm differences between them. Why? A churning took over his stomach, bracing himself for something he was hoping he was wrong about.

"You know I love you, yeah?"

God, it was getting worse. Benji felt like a man awaiting sentencing, staring at the judge with wide blank eyes. Did he know? He thought he did. "Yeah," he said tentatively, trying to read her face to catch up. The boy felt like he was falling, the ground rushing at him faster than he could make sense of it. She was about to reject him - again. The boy could already feel the pressure closing in around his heart, preparing it for the impending crush.

"I only wanna be with you. Not your uncle. Not my father. No one else. I don't wanna say yes...then spend the whole time worrying about when the next time will be, when someone lays down the law, and you hope I agree so someone else can be happy while we're both miserable."

That was fair, wasn't it? Benji swallowed hard, trying to ignore the erratic thundering in his chest. She only wanted to be with him. She wanted their relationship to be theirs, on their terms. Not on the whims of men who didn't have to live their lives. He wanted to promise that to her, and knew he could.

"You're my boyfriend, not theirs. If we're gonna do this then I need to know you're on my team first--that we are a team. Don't ask me to come back if you can't promise we're in this together. What happened in January...I don't think I could handle it again."

His smile painted across his lips again as his lungs expanded with the sudden intake of air. Her boyfriend. Not her friend. Not her ex. Her boyfriend. They were here. They were going to be okay.

"I promise you," he said, holding his hazel eyes on her deep mahogany. "Never again. We figure all this out together." He leaned in, taking her lips for his own. He'd missed her, and the boy figured there wasn't much he wouldn't do to keep her. It was a long road they had ahead of them. This wasn't the last of their push and pull.

He lingered for a moment against her lips, savoring the taste of candy and sugar. "I'm sorry I let you down, pretty girl." He brushed his nose lightly against hers. There was a lot more he wanted to say, so much more on his heart that was aching to be said, but he wanted to save it.

Let it all out at the right time when they weren't just crawling out of the wreckage.